Stuck in the Struggle?

(adapted from Russ Harris)

The More We Fight Pain, The More It Sticks Around

Pain—whether emotional, physical, or psychological—is part of being human. We all experience painful thoughts, emotions, sensations, and memories. But most of us have been taught that pain is something we need to eliminate, control, or avoid at all costs.

The problem? The harder we fight against pain, the more it takes over. Imagine trying to push a beach ball underwater. At first, it seems like you’re succeeding, but the harder you push, the more effort it takes. Eventually, the ball pops back up—often with even more force. This is what happens when we try to suppress or avoid painful emotions. They don’t disappear—they come back stronger.

What if, instead of exhausting yourself fighting against the pain, you learned to hold the ball lightly and let it float alongside you? What if struggling isn’t the answer?

Step 1: What Do You Struggle With?

Consider the painful thoughts, emotions, sensations, or memories you often try to avoid or push away.

Step 2: How Have You Tried to Cope?

Think about the different ways you’ve tried to escape or control these painful experiences. There are no right or wrong answers—just take an honest look. Common examples include:

• Distraction (Examples: TV, social media, overworking, overeating, shopping, excessive exercise, etc.)

• Avoidance & Opting Out (Examples: Avoiding certain places, people, or activities, procrastination, quitting things you care about, isolating yourself, etc.)

• Overthinking (Examples: Worrying, self-criticism, replaying past events, trying to think your way out of pain, etc.)

• Substances & Other Strategies (Examples: Alcohol, smoking, medications, caffeine, self-harm, risky behaviors, aggression, etc.)

Step 3: Acknowledging Your Effort

You have worked incredibly hard to find ways to feel better. No one can ever call you lazy. Many of these strategies are things we’ve been encouraged to try—even by health professionals.

These strategies aren’t necessarily wrong. They may help in some situations. But when we rely on them too rigidly, they can create new challenges. The key is flexibility—learning when these strategies help and when they might be keeping us stuck.

Step 4: What Has This Cost You?

These strategies might bring short-term relief, but what about the long run?

• Have they permanently eliminated your painful thoughts and emotions?

• Have they affected your mental or physical health, relationships, energy, or self-esteem?

• Have they kept you stuck or stopped you from doing things that truly matter to you?

Consider some of the costs you’ve noticed.

Step 5: What If You Took a Different Approach?

If fighting pain isn’t working, maybe it’s time to shift gears. Instead of struggling with pain, what if you could learn to handle it differently—so it doesn’t run your life? 

We cannot avoid pain. But, we can find ways to:

✔ Make space for difficult thoughts and emotions, instead of battling them
✔ Focus on what truly matters—identify our values and taking meaningful action
✔ Develop skills to navigate challenges with openness and flexibility

Step 6: What Matters Most to You?

If you weren’t so caught up in the struggle, what would you focus on instead? What kind of life do you want to build? 

Take a moment to brainstorm:

• What kind of person do you want to be?

• What goals or activities would you like to focus on?

• What would you do more (or less) of if pain wasn’t in charge?

Ready to Try Something New?

You don’t have to have all the answers right now. But if the struggle isn’t working, there is another path that offers hope!