Letting Anger Be: How to Stop Fighting It and Move Forward
Anger is a natural and powerful emotion, and when it rises, it’s easy to want to act on it right away. Maybe we snap at someone, clench our fists, or feel the urge to walk away. Our mind tells us to react fast, but reacting on impulse often doesn’t help. The real challenge is that trying to control or avoid anger usually makes it worse. The more we fight it, the stronger it becomes. Instead of battling it, we need to find a new way to deal with anger—by learning to live with it and move forward.
Why Avoiding or Suppressing Anger Doesn’t Work
We've all tried pushing anger aside, ignoring it, or telling ourselves it shouldn’t be there. But here's the thing: anger doesn’t disappear when we try to suppress it. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater—the longer we try to control it, the more it pushes back. Eventually, it’s going to resurface, often stronger than before. The more we resist, the harder it becomes to handle.
Here are some common ways we try to control or avoid anger—and why they don’t work:
Shutting Down or Going Quiet
Some people respond to anger by freezing up, going silent, or withdrawing. While this might seem like we're handling it, anger doesn’t just go away when we bottle it up. It stays inside, only to bubble up later. The more we bottle it up, the harder it becomes to manage.
Rage or Explosive Outbursts
On the other side, anger sometimes comes out in explosive ways—shouting, throwing things, or arguing. While it may feel like we’re releasing it, this only leads to regret, tension, and strained relationships. Acting out of anger rarely solves the problem—it just amplifies the intensity.
Avoidance or Running Away
Many of us try to avoid anger by changing the subject or keeping ourselves busy. But avoiding it doesn’t make it disappear. It just builds up in the background, affecting our mood and reactions when we least expect it. Avoidance doesn’t allow us to deal with anger—it just puts it on hold.
Overthinking and Rumination
We might try to understand why we’re angry by replaying it in our heads. But constantly analyzing anger without taking action just feeds it. The more we focus on it, the more it grows. It's like poking a flame—it just makes the fire burn hotter.
Distraction or “Numbing”
Some people distract themselves from anger with food, shopping, drinking, or TV. While this may temporarily help, it doesn’t address the underlying emotion. When we distract, we push anger aside instead of giving it space. Eventually, it resurfaces, often in unexpected ways.
A New Way: Living with Anger Instead of Fighting It
So, what’s the solution? Instead of avoiding or trying to control anger, we need to learn to live with it. The key is to stop fighting it. When we stop struggling with anger, we allow ourselves to feel it without letting it take control.
Imagine anger as a storm. Instead of trying to outrun it or stop it from coming, we acknowledge it’s there. We don’t fight the rain or wind—we simply let it happen and keep moving forward. The storm doesn’t have to wreck everything. You can still move through it and keep doing what matters.
What Happens When We Stop Struggling with Anger?
We Feel Less Pressure
When we stop trying to control anger, we stop carrying the constant pressure of managing it. We can just notice it and move on. Anger becomes something we feel without letting it take over. The storm passes, and we continue on with our day.
We Get to Choose Our Actions
Letting anger be present doesn’t mean we act on it immediately. We still get to choose what’s important and how to respond. Instead of reacting from anger, we can respond based on our values. We don’t ignore the emotion; we choose how we respond to it.
We Don’t Get Stuck in It
When we stop avoiding anger, we break the cycle of rumination. We allow the anger to be there, feel it, and then let it move on. The less we struggle with it, the less power it has over us.
Moving Forward with Anger
Living with anger doesn’t mean making it go away—it’s about how we choose to respond. When we stop fighting it, we still feel it, but it no longer controls us. We can choose our actions, stay focused on what’s important, and keep moving forward, even with anger in the background.
By allowing ourselves to feel anger without fighting it, we break free from its grip. We give ourselves space to feel, act intentionally, and move forward, no matter what emotions come up.