Understanding Communication Styles: How to Improve Your Relationships

How we communicate plays a huge role in our relationships, wellbeing, and overall experiences. The way we express ourselves can either build connection or create tension, influence how we feel about ourselves, and impact how others respond to us. Understanding different communication styles can help us navigate conversations more effectively and lead to healthier, more productive interactions.

The 4 Communication Styles

1. Passive Communication

• What It Looks Like: People with a passive communication style often avoid expressing their needs, feelings, or opinions, especially when they fear conflict. They may put others' needs ahead of their own and struggle with saying "no."

• Example: “We can do it your way” (Agreeing to something you don’t want to do to avoid upsetting someone)

• The Impacts: By not expressing your needs, frustration and resentment can build up over time, making it harder to feel understood or fulfilled in relationships.

2. Aggressive Communication

• What It Looks Like: Aggressive communicators express their thoughts and feelings forcefully, often disregarding the feelings of others. They may use their voice, tone, or body language to intimidate or control conversations.

• Example: “That’s a stupid idea. We’re doing it my way!”

• The Impacts: Aggressive communication often leads to hurt feelings, defensiveness, and strained relationships, creating more conflict rather than resolving it.

3. Passive-Aggressive Communication

• What It Looks Like: Passive-aggressive communication involves appearing calm on the surface while expressing anger or frustration indirectly through sarcasm, procrastination, or avoidance.

• Example: “Fine, I’ll do it your way” (followed by a sulking silence or eye rolls).

• The Impacts: This style can cause frustration and confusion, as issues remain unspoken and unresolved, leading to growing tension and disconnection.

4. Assertive Communication (the healthiest style)

• What It Looks Like: Assertive communication involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and directly, while also respecting the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others.

• Example: “I feel frustrated when this happens, and I’d like to find a way to fix it.”

• The Impacts: Assertive communication fosters mutual understanding, helps resolve conflicts calmly, and prevents misunderstandings, ultimately leading to stronger, more respectful relationships

 How to Be More Assertive

1. Use “I” Statements

Express your feelings without blaming others. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.” This keeps the focus on your experience and can decrease defensiveness.

2. Stay Calm and Focused

Strong emotions can derail conversations. Take a breath, slow down, and if needed, step away before responding. If possible, schedule difficult conversations for a time when both people are calm. If tensions rise, say, “Let’s schedule a time to talk about this later when we’re both in a better headspace.”

3. Listen Actively

Assertiveness is about both expressing yourself and hearing others. Repeat back key points to show understanding, even if you disagree. Saying, “It sounds like you’re frustrated because…” helps people feel heard. Validating their feelings—“I know this is hard for you”—encourages cooperation.

4. Set Boundaries with Respect

Be clear about what you need instead of expecting others to guess. If someone ignores a boundary, have a plan for how you will respond. Instead of just saying, “don’t talk to me that way” add, “If this continues, I will step away from the conversation.” Enforcing boundaries is just as important as setting them.

5. Embrace Discomfort

If you’re used to being passive, being assertive may feel uncomfortable at first. Start with small situations, like expressing a preference or setting a minor boundary. Expect that some people may resist, especially if they’re used to you staying quiet. Their reaction doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it just means the dynamic is changing.

6. Practice the “Broken Record” Technique

If someone keeps pushing, stay firm and repeat your point without getting drawn into arguments. Keep it simple and neutral, such as: “I hear you, and I am still not able to do that for you”. Repeating yourself without getting defensive keeps the conversation on track.

7. Be Willing to Give to Get

Assertiveness isn’t about demanding—it’s about finding solutions that respect both people’s needs. Compromise when it makes sense. Instead of saying, “I won’t do this,” try, “I’m willing to do X if we can adjust Y.” This keeps discussions productive rather than confrontational.

8. Reinforce What You Are Asking For

People respond better when they understand why something matters. Instead of just making a request, explain the impact (i.e. “If you could do this, it would really decrease my stress levels”).  Making it clear why your needs matter increases the likelihood of cooperation.

9. Pick Your Battles

You don’t need to be assertive in every situation. Some conflicts aren’t worth your energy. Before speaking up, ask yourself: “is this worth my time and energy?”or “will it matter in a week?”. If it’s minor, practice letting go. But, if it impacts your wellbeing, stand your ground.

10.  Try “And” Instead of “But”

The word “but” can sound dismissive, while “and” keeps the conversation open. Instead of saying, “I hear you, but I disagree,” try, “I hear you, and I see it differently.” This small shift makes discussions feel more collaborative rather than combative.

12. Be Mindful of Your Body Language

Your tone, facial expressions, and posture all influence how your message is received. Keep an open posture—uncrossed arms, relaxed shoulders, and steady eye contact—to show confidence and approachability. A defensive or closed-off stance can make even the most reasonable request seem confrontational.

Final Thoughts

Becoming more assertive is a process. Start small, pick your moments, and expect some discomfort along the way.

 If you’ve been passive in the past, some people may not respond well at first to your newfound assertiveness. That’s okay. Their reaction is a reflection of them—not a sign that you’re doing something wrong.

With practice, being assertive will feel more natural, and you’ll build stronger, healthier relationships—ones where your voice is heard, your needs are valued, and your boundaries are respected.