The Anger Ladder: A Guide for Managing Anger Before it Takes Over
Anger, like all emotions, exists on a spectrum. Sometimes, it’s a mild irritation that fades quickly. Other times, it builds and intensifies, taking up more space until it feels like it’s running the show.
Think of anger like climbing a ladder:
At the bottom, anger is present but manageable. You can still think clearly and respond in a way that aligns with who you want to be.
As you climb, anger becomes stronger and harder to ignore. It starts pulling your attention, making it easier to react rather than respond.
At the top, anger can feel all-consuming, overwhelming your ability to think, pause, or choose your next step.
The goal isn’t to get rid of anger—anger is a normal, human emotion. The goal is to recognize where you are on the ladder so you can choose how to respond before anger takes over the wheel.
Feeling vs. Action: Anger Doesn’t Have to Control You
It’s important to remember:
The feeling of anger—even at its most intense—is not the same as the action you take.
When we don’t recognize where we are on the ladder, anger can take over. But when we pause and notice it, we create space to choose our next move.
Imagine your mind is a bus, and your emotions—including anger—are passengers. For many people, as anger rises, it starts to move closer to the driver’s seat. It starts influencing your choices. And, when anger takes over - it grabs the wheel, starts driving the bus, and making decisions for you.
The goal isn’t to kick anger off the bus—anger has a place. The goal is to keep it from taking the wheel - so we can continue to choose which direction we want to go!
Climbing the Anger Ladder
The higher we climb the anger ladder, the harder it is to step down—but the earlier we notice, the easier it is to shift.
Anger doesn’t just show up in one way; it changes as it intensifies, affecting how we feel, think, and react. Each level of anger feels different, and each requires a different approach to prevent anger from taking over the driver’s seat.
Bottom of the Ladder: Mild & Manageable Anger
At this level, anger is present but not overwhelming. It might feel like mild frustration, impatience, or irritation—annoying, but not consuming. It may pass quickly or linger in the background.
Examples of Physical Signs: Slight tension in the shoulders or jaw, quickened breathing, restlessness.
Examples of Thought Patterns: Feeling mildly annoyed but still able to think clearly. “This is frustrating, but I can handle it.”
At this stage, anger is more of a signal than a force—it’s nudging you that something isn’t right, but you’re still fully in control.
What Helps?
✔ Pause and acknowledge your emotions – “I’m feeling annoyed right now.”
✔ Offer kindness to yourself - “This is hard right now”
✔ Check in with your values – “How do I want to handle this?”
Middle of the Ladder: Escalating Anger
Anger is becoming louder and harder to ignore. It lingers, affecting your mood and focus. You may feel resentment, bitterness, or persistent frustration.
Examples of Physical Signs: Clenched fists, a tight chest, rising body heat, increased heart rate.
Examples of Thought Patterns: Looping thoughts about unfairness or blame—“Why do they always do this?” “This isn’t fair.”
At this stage, anger is grabbing your attention, making it harder to think clearly and easier to react impulsively.
What Helps?
✔ Create space – Step back from the situation, even for a few seconds, before deciding how to respond.
✔ Pause and acknowledge your emotions – “I notice I’m feeling frustrated.”
✔ Offer kindness to yourself - “it is okay to struggle, and I know I can get through this”
✔ Ground yourself in the present – Exhale fully, drink a glass of water, press your feet into the floor, or stretch your body.
✔ Check in with your values – “How can I react in a way that I will feel proud of?”
Top of the Ladder: Intense Anger
At this point, anger demands your full attention—it feels overwhelming, urgent, and consuming. You might feel rage, fury, or helplessness, and your body is preparing for a fight.
Examples of Physical Signs: Racing heart, clenched fists, shaking, tunnel vision, adrenaline surge, difficulty breathing.
Examples of Thought Patterns: Black-and-white thinking, feeling out of control—“I can’t take this anymore!”, “They need to pay for this!”
At this level, anger is threatening to take control—noticing it early and stepping down is essential. The goal isn’t to suppress anger, but to find a way to make space for it without letting it take over.
What Helps?
✔ Create space – Step back from the situation before deciding how to respond. If necessary, physically remove your body from the trigger and find something else to put your focus into until you are able to respond effectively. Avoidance and distraction can be helpful tools to use until you regain control.
✔ Pause and acknowledge your emotions – “I notice I am feeling rage”
✔ Offer kindness to yourself - “it is okay to feel angry, it’s part of being human” and “I can find ways of feeling anger without reacting on it”
✔ Calm your body down - submerge your face in icy cold water, engage in a brief exercise to get your heart rate pumping, or practice deep breathing and muscle relaxation,
✔ Ground yourself in the present – Exhale fully, drink a glass of water, press your feet into the floor, or stretch your body. Engage with your 5 senses.
✔ Check in with your values – “How do I really want to respond in the midst of this?”
Why Does This Matter?
The higher up the ladder you go, the harder it is to choose how you respond. Recognizing your anger early gives you more options. The goal isn’t to eliminate anger—but to find ways to stop it from controlling you.
Final Thought
Anger doesn’t have to drive the bus. You have a choice—to step back, create space, and decide how you want to respond.
✔ Noticing anger early makes it easier to step down.
✔ You don’t have to get rid of anger—you can find ways to not let it take over.
✔ The more you practice, the easier it gets.
Hope you found this helpful!
Until next time,
Jayne